I feel sleepy and exhausted after that 9 hours of shift from 12 am to 9 am. Sadly, I cannot sleep in our room because of the noise and heat. That's one of the disadvantages when you share a room with other people, you cannot make it as comfy for you as possible. I hope soon enough, I will get enough money to rent a room just for myself, and design it to be extra comfortable so I will never be deprived of sleep again like this.
There is another reason why I feel uncomfortable in sharing a room with others, and it's my roommates. I don't have bad roommates, they are actually friendly and kind. But it does not matter for me even if the person I am with is saintly, I still don't like them within my personal space. The reason? Social Anxiety.
There was a time when I was this type of person who found social interaction enormously apprehensive. Imagine, I flunked some subjects in college because I could not bear the nervousness I felt when passing by my classmates(my seat happened to be at the back), so I went absent in classes a lot of times. I also felt paranoid when a group of friends nearby would laugh, thinking it was me they were laughing at, then I would just walk away to a place where I would be alone and safe. It has also been so eccentric of me to always blush and tremble when being confronted or asked a personal question, like, "Nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?(Did you ever have a girlfriend?)" or "Crush mo ba si ______?(Do you have crush on______?)" It would be so unlucky for me to be asked a question like the latter when I react like that, 'cause it would be mistaken as a yes even if I say no. Anxiety.
I took a lot of tests online, and I got a high rate on AvPD(Avoidant Personality Disorder) and Social Anxiety. Those tests cannot be a substitute for a professional's diagnosis, but it gave me the gist of what I am going through, which is the fear of having a personal interaction with people. That robbed me of my prime years. You know, instead of enjoying life 'cause I will never be young again, I spent it fearfully getting away from people just before a close relationship began. I always set a gap between me and the people I interacted with, because I always imagined that soon, in one way or another, they would also leave me behind. And I am wondering why I said that sentence in past tense, 'cause I still do it. Yea, I still do.
Good thing, I learned about meditation. I tried many of its techniques like the zen, vipassanna, shavasana, etc. I also practiced hatha yoga for quite some time and guess what, it made changes in me. I was able to loosen the grip of my fears in interacting with people, that's why I got a job now. Meditation identifies you from your thoughts and emotions, you become a witness of your inner processes in a meditative state, so it gives you the best chance to validate if your thoughts and emotions have any basis on reality. What should I really fear in interacting and what proves that I will be judged, deserted or laughed at? There's nothing, right?
But I wish meditation and yoga did one more thing for me, and that's to give me the confidence to tell the people I like what I feel for them. The feeling that I will not be liked always consumes me, so I will just keep silent instead of telling my crush the truth. It never broke my heart, but it also never made it whole. The people who became my crush are already far out there, have their own relationships, will forever remain clueless of what I once felt for them.
I know a few people who liked me, there was even a girl who told me I was her crush, but I just gave it a silent shoulder, pretended I did not care.
Now I have another crush, and we're still a stranger to each other. Maybe if I'm going to sit more and watch my breath, I will also have the confidence to tell that person that "I like him."(Him?) Or maybe, I will just let this fear win, and just work on myself first to uproot all the reasons for it.
I hope someday, that person will know.
No comments:
Post a Comment