I Hope Someday My Crush Will Know

I feel sleepy and exhausted after that 9 hours of shift from 12 am to 9 am. Sadly, I cannot sleep in our room because of the noise and heat. That's one of the disadvantages when you share a room with other people, you cannot make it as comfy for you as possible. I hope soon enough, I will get enough money to rent a room just for myself, and design it to be extra comfortable so I will never be deprived of sleep again like this.

There is another reason why I feel uncomfortable in sharing a room with others, and it's my roommates. I don't have bad roommates, they are actually friendly and kind. But it does not matter for me even if the person I am with is saintly, I still don't like them within my personal space. The reason? Social Anxiety.

There was a time when I was this type of person who found social interaction enormously apprehensive. Imagine, I flunked some subjects in college because I could not bear the nervousness I felt when passing by my classmates(my seat happened to be at the back), so I went absent in classes a lot of times. I also felt paranoid when a group of friends nearby would laugh, thinking it was me they were laughing at, then I would just walk away to a place where I would be alone and safe. It has also been so eccentric of me to always blush and tremble when being confronted or  asked a personal question, like, "Nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?(Did you ever have a girlfriend?)" or "Crush mo ba si ______?(Do you have crush on______?)" It would be so unlucky for me to be asked a question like the latter when I react like that, 'cause it would be mistaken as a yes even if I say no. Anxiety.

I took a lot of tests online, and I got a high rate on AvPD(Avoidant Personality Disorder) and Social Anxiety. Those tests cannot be a substitute for a professional's diagnosis, but it gave me the gist of what I am going through, which is the fear of having a personal interaction with people. That robbed me of my prime years. You know, instead of enjoying life 'cause I will never be young again, I spent it fearfully getting away from people just before a close relationship began. I always set a gap between me and the people I interacted with, because I always imagined that soon, in one way or another, they would also leave me behind. And I am wondering why I said that sentence in past tense, 'cause I still do it. Yea, I still do.

Good thing, I learned about meditation. I tried many of its techniques like the zen, vipassanna, shavasana, etc. I also practiced hatha yoga for quite some time and guess what, it made changes in me. I was able to loosen the grip of my fears in interacting with people, that's why I got a job now. Meditation identifies you from your thoughts and emotions, you become a witness of your inner processes in a meditative state, so it gives you the best chance to validate if your thoughts and emotions have any basis on reality. What should I really fear in interacting and what proves that I will be judged, deserted or laughed at? There's nothing, right?

But I wish meditation and yoga did one more thing for me, and that's to give me the confidence to tell the people I like what I feel for them. The feeling that I will not be liked always consumes me, so I will just keep silent instead of telling my crush the truth. It never broke my heart, but it also never made it whole. The people who became my crush are already far out there, have their own relationships, will forever remain clueless of what I once felt for them.

I know a few people who liked me, there was even a girl who told me I was her crush, but I just gave it a silent shoulder, pretended I did not care.

Now I have another crush, and we're still a stranger to each other. Maybe if I'm going to sit more and watch my breath, I will also have the confidence to tell that person that "I like him."(Him?) Or maybe, I will just let this fear win, and just work on myself first to uproot all the reasons for it.

I hope someday, that person will know.

That Me in Another Universe

We have dreams that are already rendered by life impossible, sad to say.

I dreamed of enjoying my teen life as I saw on TV when I was a kid--- being a cool young boy who strolls around places for gimmicks,  groomed and dressed up fashionably with his friends of his age, enjoying life as if they will never grow old.

Smoking and drinking secretly from his parents, deciding who he likes among his peers or from the people he knows, expressing all his curiosities about life, thus getting to know it on a first-hand basis before he gets old. that's a life not wasted.

How I wish I finished my college at the age of 20, just like other people who were not hindered by financial and family problems in their schooling. I know it was possible to happen while being a wild kid, not domesticated by controlling parents. 'Cause I always coveted that parchment, which writes my degree in my chosen field, maybe Psychology, or maybe Communication.

So when I already exited the years of being young, I know that I have not so much to look back for, things that are undone,  and everything is just ahead of me... Waiting to be materialized. Waiting to be experienced.

Unfortunately for me, that kind of life will forever remain just a dream, because I am going 22 now, with no degree and his teenage life wasted in the loneliness of his room. That room which was my safe place from the sad reality outside--- father who had the potential to be your terminator when angered, asking for a gun to settle things other people would not even fret about, mother whose mouth shots condescending words that could perish your self-worth, and the spotlight they always gave to problems that indicate we're alive.

I remember when my father told me one time when he was not in a good mood, "Nabibwisit ang bahay dahil sa'yo(you are annoying this house)." And another time when he was joking, "Kung hindi ka lang maputi, ang pangit mo na(If only not because of your white complexion, you are ugly.)" You can imagine all the other scenarios that happened, all of them made me feel less of the person that I am. I just stayed in my room, so that no one would get annoyed with me or see my face.



August 2, 2013, when I was asleep, I had a dream. I saw in the dream that an office-mate came from another Universe. She went to us by a sort of time travel machine and informed us the existence of Parallel Universes, something which never hooked my interest before because of its complexity. That office-mate appeared to be the exact opposite of the girl we know. She only spoke the things we needed to know, when our real office-mate always cracks joke and known for her talkativeness. She was indeed a version of that office-mate in another universe.

She went on to tell us that there is a way for us to communicate with the people living in that alternate reality. Surprisingly, it was only through the use of a home phone. I tried it, but even before that, I saw in my mind the person I would like to talk to from that another universe--- myself. He was so handsome, and I just knew that he is the type who's liberated about his sexuality(he is a bisexual), his favorite subject is Math, which I hate the most, and he smokes, something which I do only once in a blue moon.

From the looks of it, that self is still studying, or maybe a working student because I saw him smoking outside our work building. I don't know who said it but I heard the word "Bad-tripper"  to describe that me, which might mean bad-boy because he really looks like that. As if I have that psychic ability called prognosis in that dream(just an exaggeration), I just knew that he is a very intelligent person despite his obviously cool indifference.

I ringed the phone in his place which I saw was a library, maybe the library of the school where he studies. I was waiting for him to pick-up the phone, so excited, but it was his professor who answered. When he was about to hand the phone to that person I yearned to talked to, I woke.

I reflected and cherished the feelings that dream brought. It gave me a feeling of inexplicable familiarity and excitement. Just how would you feel if you saw yourself but that version who is everything you wished to be? I always wanted to be that handsome, unconstrained and intelligent individual. That person who exudes confidence and is like a brooding-type but is not.

I don't say that it really took place, I wish it did. It could just be nothing but a dream, but no one can deny the potential of dreams to convey relevant information about ourselves and our life. Teachers in dreams usually symbolize that there are lessons that we need to learn. Well, that scenario where I got to talk to his professor before him may mean that before I realize my dream of becoming that person, i will have to learn some important lessons first. Maybe I need to reinterpret the things that happened to me in the past that made me the opposite of who I want to be.

The next day after I dreamed of that, our team went to an outing. As we were traveling to our destination, we passed by San Pedro, Laguna, the place where i spent the first year of my life. That place is a very important part of my past. It suddenly came to me that maybe, I really have to fix something from my past, maybe something in it holds me back from being the full person that I can become.