I Hope Someday My Crush Will Know

I feel sleepy and exhausted after that 9 hours of shift from 12 am to 9 am. Sadly, I cannot sleep in our room because of the noise and heat. That's one of the disadvantages when you share a room with other people, you cannot make it as comfy for you as possible. I hope soon enough, I will get enough money to rent a room just for myself, and design it to be extra comfortable so I will never be deprived of sleep again like this.

There is another reason why I feel uncomfortable in sharing a room with others, and it's my roommates. I don't have bad roommates, they are actually friendly and kind. But it does not matter for me even if the person I am with is saintly, I still don't like them within my personal space. The reason? Social Anxiety.

There was a time when I was this type of person who found social interaction enormously apprehensive. Imagine, I flunked some subjects in college because I could not bear the nervousness I felt when passing by my classmates(my seat happened to be at the back), so I went absent in classes a lot of times. I also felt paranoid when a group of friends nearby would laugh, thinking it was me they were laughing at, then I would just walk away to a place where I would be alone and safe. It has also been so eccentric of me to always blush and tremble when being confronted or  asked a personal question, like, "Nagka-girlfriend ka na ba?(Did you ever have a girlfriend?)" or "Crush mo ba si ______?(Do you have crush on______?)" It would be so unlucky for me to be asked a question like the latter when I react like that, 'cause it would be mistaken as a yes even if I say no. Anxiety.

I took a lot of tests online, and I got a high rate on AvPD(Avoidant Personality Disorder) and Social Anxiety. Those tests cannot be a substitute for a professional's diagnosis, but it gave me the gist of what I am going through, which is the fear of having a personal interaction with people. That robbed me of my prime years. You know, instead of enjoying life 'cause I will never be young again, I spent it fearfully getting away from people just before a close relationship began. I always set a gap between me and the people I interacted with, because I always imagined that soon, in one way or another, they would also leave me behind. And I am wondering why I said that sentence in past tense, 'cause I still do it. Yea, I still do.

Good thing, I learned about meditation. I tried many of its techniques like the zen, vipassanna, shavasana, etc. I also practiced hatha yoga for quite some time and guess what, it made changes in me. I was able to loosen the grip of my fears in interacting with people, that's why I got a job now. Meditation identifies you from your thoughts and emotions, you become a witness of your inner processes in a meditative state, so it gives you the best chance to validate if your thoughts and emotions have any basis on reality. What should I really fear in interacting and what proves that I will be judged, deserted or laughed at? There's nothing, right?

But I wish meditation and yoga did one more thing for me, and that's to give me the confidence to tell the people I like what I feel for them. The feeling that I will not be liked always consumes me, so I will just keep silent instead of telling my crush the truth. It never broke my heart, but it also never made it whole. The people who became my crush are already far out there, have their own relationships, will forever remain clueless of what I once felt for them.

I know a few people who liked me, there was even a girl who told me I was her crush, but I just gave it a silent shoulder, pretended I did not care.

Now I have another crush, and we're still a stranger to each other. Maybe if I'm going to sit more and watch my breath, I will also have the confidence to tell that person that "I like him."(Him?) Or maybe, I will just let this fear win, and just work on myself first to uproot all the reasons for it.

I hope someday, that person will know.

That Me in Another Universe

We have dreams that are already rendered by life impossible, sad to say.

I dreamed of enjoying my teen life as I saw on TV when I was a kid--- being a cool young boy who strolls around places for gimmicks,  groomed and dressed up fashionably with his friends of his age, enjoying life as if they will never grow old.

Smoking and drinking secretly from his parents, deciding who he likes among his peers or from the people he knows, expressing all his curiosities about life, thus getting to know it on a first-hand basis before he gets old. that's a life not wasted.

How I wish I finished my college at the age of 20, just like other people who were not hindered by financial and family problems in their schooling. I know it was possible to happen while being a wild kid, not domesticated by controlling parents. 'Cause I always coveted that parchment, which writes my degree in my chosen field, maybe Psychology, or maybe Communication.

So when I already exited the years of being young, I know that I have not so much to look back for, things that are undone,  and everything is just ahead of me... Waiting to be materialized. Waiting to be experienced.

Unfortunately for me, that kind of life will forever remain just a dream, because I am going 22 now, with no degree and his teenage life wasted in the loneliness of his room. That room which was my safe place from the sad reality outside--- father who had the potential to be your terminator when angered, asking for a gun to settle things other people would not even fret about, mother whose mouth shots condescending words that could perish your self-worth, and the spotlight they always gave to problems that indicate we're alive.

I remember when my father told me one time when he was not in a good mood, "Nabibwisit ang bahay dahil sa'yo(you are annoying this house)." And another time when he was joking, "Kung hindi ka lang maputi, ang pangit mo na(If only not because of your white complexion, you are ugly.)" You can imagine all the other scenarios that happened, all of them made me feel less of the person that I am. I just stayed in my room, so that no one would get annoyed with me or see my face.



August 2, 2013, when I was asleep, I had a dream. I saw in the dream that an office-mate came from another Universe. She went to us by a sort of time travel machine and informed us the existence of Parallel Universes, something which never hooked my interest before because of its complexity. That office-mate appeared to be the exact opposite of the girl we know. She only spoke the things we needed to know, when our real office-mate always cracks joke and known for her talkativeness. She was indeed a version of that office-mate in another universe.

She went on to tell us that there is a way for us to communicate with the people living in that alternate reality. Surprisingly, it was only through the use of a home phone. I tried it, but even before that, I saw in my mind the person I would like to talk to from that another universe--- myself. He was so handsome, and I just knew that he is the type who's liberated about his sexuality(he is a bisexual), his favorite subject is Math, which I hate the most, and he smokes, something which I do only once in a blue moon.

From the looks of it, that self is still studying, or maybe a working student because I saw him smoking outside our work building. I don't know who said it but I heard the word "Bad-tripper"  to describe that me, which might mean bad-boy because he really looks like that. As if I have that psychic ability called prognosis in that dream(just an exaggeration), I just knew that he is a very intelligent person despite his obviously cool indifference.

I ringed the phone in his place which I saw was a library, maybe the library of the school where he studies. I was waiting for him to pick-up the phone, so excited, but it was his professor who answered. When he was about to hand the phone to that person I yearned to talked to, I woke.

I reflected and cherished the feelings that dream brought. It gave me a feeling of inexplicable familiarity and excitement. Just how would you feel if you saw yourself but that version who is everything you wished to be? I always wanted to be that handsome, unconstrained and intelligent individual. That person who exudes confidence and is like a brooding-type but is not.

I don't say that it really took place, I wish it did. It could just be nothing but a dream, but no one can deny the potential of dreams to convey relevant information about ourselves and our life. Teachers in dreams usually symbolize that there are lessons that we need to learn. Well, that scenario where I got to talk to his professor before him may mean that before I realize my dream of becoming that person, i will have to learn some important lessons first. Maybe I need to reinterpret the things that happened to me in the past that made me the opposite of who I want to be.

The next day after I dreamed of that, our team went to an outing. As we were traveling to our destination, we passed by San Pedro, Laguna, the place where i spent the first year of my life. That place is a very important part of my past. It suddenly came to me that maybe, I really have to fix something from my past, maybe something in it holds me back from being the full person that I can become.

A Weird Thing to Share

Have you already tried to meditate?

Meditation can be a great way to reduce stress and enhance productivity in anything. It may start with breathing deeply and focusing the mind on the rise and fall of breath. According to some meditation masters, meditation is a separation from the mind and simply becoming a witness. You know, we always see ourselves as the thinker, the doer. That causes us so much stress because we feel that something won't happen unless we do something.

Observe how some people can be stressed when they don't have money, or when their relationships fail, or when their job is at mess. They will be urged to do something to change the situation into a better one. But many things in life are out of our control, still we frantically act as if everything is.

I remember a story of a magician who became famous because whenever he would wave a blanket, the color of the sky would change. That really amazed the people of his place. But one day, he lost the magic blanket, but the color of the sky still changed. It made all the people realize, including the magician, that the sky really changes by itself, it was never because of the blanket.

The moral of the story is simple: There are things in life that will really happen, and all we've got to do is just to become a witness.

I am not promoting laziness or doing nothing at all, of course we still need to act. But in making actions, we need to become fully aware, not agitated by results or blinded by emotions. Thus in doing,  we become the witness of our own actions. We witness ourselves when we walk, when we talk, when we eat, when we do our jobs, etc.

Here is a simple meditation that everyone can try, it is called Zen. I already heard this a hundred times even before I went to a Zendo or spiritual dojo.

First, choose a position that will be most comfortable for you. You can do the Burmese style where the legs are crossed and knees are flat on the floor. It is important that they are not elevated because they are going to strain in the process. Or you can do half-lotus where right foot is on top of the left thigh, and left foot tucked under the right leg. Or you can do the most famous yet very challenging(for me) Full-lotus position where each foot is on top of the opposite thigh.

For those who really cannot do those sitting positions which, by the way, might require a zafu or pillow, you can just assume a kneeling position where the buttocks should be resting on the ankles. Or just simply sit on a chair, which might be the easiest. But in any position, erected spine should be observed. According to our teacher, this kind of position prevents us from falling asleep while meditating hence, becoming really fully aware.

Then place your left hand over your right hand and the thumbs lightly touching. Why left? Our teacher said that it was because our left hand represents the right region of the brain, which is responsible for intuition and feeling as opposed to left region which is for logic and reasoning. But she said it was just a belief.

Slightly close your eyes, and have a steady look in the space before you. Or maybe on the floor. So it is important there are not so much things in front of you when you meditate to avoid distractions. It is also not advised to fully close your eyes as it may cause the mind to wander or fall asleep. And not fully open because you might get distracted by the things around you while you are meditating. Just slightly closed.

Then start focusing on your breath. Focus can be helped by counting the breath--- one count for inhalation, another count for exhalation. And when breathing, it is important you do it properly. When inhaling, the abdomen should expand, and on exhalation, it should contract.

We started at 5 minutes, establish your way from there. Do it longer after some period of time. When your mind starts to wander, just witness the thoughts and gently go back to focusing on your breath. This practice can make you more relaxed, give you inner peace and clarity of mind--- thus, it becomes easier to become more aware of our actions.

My Own "Diary ng Panget"

Every netizen must have already heard of an online literary website, "wattpad". It is a place where the dream of becoming a writer can be an instant reality.
One of the stories that hit wattpad was "Diary ng Panget"(Diary of an Ugly) which is a romantic comedy about an ugly girl, Eya Rodriguez, who had a  love story full of twists with a rich, handsome and snobbish guy, Cross Sandford.

The story of an ugly girl being in love with a handsome boy might be a cliche, but it never lessened the fun and excitement of the story. It was published into four volumes by PSICOM Publishing, and  the cliffhanger at the end of every book really left me wanting to grab on the next one.

I encourage everyone who might read this blog to also read Diary ng Panget, that is, if you can understand Filipino. But I say that I can relate very well with the life of Eya Rodriguez, I am like his male version. We are not same in every aspect, though, especially when it comes to the fact that Eya can speak up her mind when she's irritated while I tend to please people or walk away in the same situation. Well, I suffer from confidence issues.

And when Eya's Diary contents her love story with Cross, my own diary reads my dreams of becoming that rich, handsome, cool guy.

If you just read wattpad, you can hardly make up the appearance of Cross Sandford. You'd just know he has all those physical features which turn the head of girls and gays. But its film adaptation starred James Reid to be Cross, and I guess no one could be a better choice than him.
Now, whenever low self-esteem will gloom my day and incapacitate me to be my happiest(I sometimes think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which I will blog about soon), I fantasize that in a near future I will look like James Reid with the cool, bad-boy demeanor of Cross Sandford.

(I don't own the photo)

I hope I can tell HaveYouSeenThisGirl, the author of Diary ng Panget, "Thank you, for writing a story which actually inspired a reader."